She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's always time for handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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