i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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