Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
