butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
