Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now