At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.