I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?