Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.