What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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