I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
