I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
