Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
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There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You ate ashes out of my bong
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"