Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?