i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.