You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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