Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
