I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
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Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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