Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
