When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
