You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?