in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday