Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
