How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize