I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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