Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
