I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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