Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
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Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress