How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"