I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
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omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.