i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.