It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok