like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.