I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
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I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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