i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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