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there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
