my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
