It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
