I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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