halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
