The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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