Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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