picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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