I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
