I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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