I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
