that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize