Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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