I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
