Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize