Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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