I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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