A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
