Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
