Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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