shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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