First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
