Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
