you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
even my farts smell like vagina
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
