She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
