you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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