I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
